One thing I realized is that many of us carry latent resentment towards our mothers because, as we grew up, they were not the mom we conjured in our heads. The mom in our head came to all our games and recitals; they baked cookies for the school bake sale; they spent time with us watching movies, hanging out, and eating buttery popcorn. Or perhaps you envisioned a mom who made you homemade chicken soup when you were sick and tucked you into bed after reading you a bedtime story. As you got older, perhaps you envisioned a mom you would go on mother-daughter trips with as yall sip wine, and laugh together. Or a mom that spends time with her grandkids baking cookies and reading them stories. Instead, you got the mom you got, and she resembles nothing like the mom you dreamed of.

I realized that for many people, they need to grieve the mom they wished they had and accept the mom that they do have.

One thing that has helped me in my relationship with my mom is realizing that, as much as the world tells us that moms are superheroes, they aren’t. Moms are just women. Women with their own issues and trauma and “stuff.” And we all got stuff. Becoming a mom doesn’t make the stuff go away. It is all still there, and moms are just trying to navigate their stuff as they raise children. Often, our moms are women trying to navigate a world that told them they didn’t belong in it. Many moms were once little girls who had to swallow down their abuse because they were taught that abuse is just part of being a little girl. Many of us have moms who grew up without the help of therapy, mental health medications, perimenopause/menopause medications, etc. Many of our moms became mothers at a time when this nation was just beginning to accept that women are fully people with their own thoughts, dreams, and goals.

On this Mother’s Day, try to see your mom not as a mom but as a woman. A woman who may not have it all together but is trying her best with what she was given. Grieve the mom you dreamed of and accept the mom you have, and understand she’s just a woman trying her best.

Happy Mother’s Day.