Thoughts, Musings and Reflections

She Doesn’t Really Want Your Man. She Just Doesn’t Like You.

(At the outset of this blog, let me say, I fully understand that if someone cheats, it is because they want to cheat. No one forces anyone to cheat on their partner. This is not a blog about that, so please do not make it about that. I have a belief I want to discuss that goes beyond why someone cheats. Thank you.) 

As I was scrolling through social media this week,  I saw several incidents of women who have been betrayed by their best friends. They have found out that not only is their partner cheating, but they are also cheating with someone they consider a good friend, if not their best friend. While it is sad to learn that your partner is cheating, I believe that it is a different kind of hurt when you find out that not only is your partner having an affair, but they are having an affair with someone that you have confided in, laughed with, had late-night talks with, discussed your relationship with, etc. 

While this is just, Hannah-ology, I am convinced that in many cases, when you find out that your best friend is cheating with your partner, it has nothing to do with your partner and has everything to do with you. It is not because your partner is so charismatic, intelligent, handsome, stunning, or gorgeous that she just cannot help herself and must have them. In fact, it doesn’t matter if your partner is Halle Berry or Denzel Washington; if someone is truly your friend, they will not pursue your partner. 

What is often the case is that the person you consider your friend is really jealous and envious of the life that you have created. All the while, they are smiling in your face, but on the inside, they are enraged that you have something they do not. And it’s not just that they want what you have; they want to see you unhappy. They want to see you hurt. “How dare she have love and joy, and I don’t.” “Who does she think she is? She isn’t better than me.” They want to possess the person you have that they believe is the source of your happiness. There is a sense of pride when they finally cheat with your partner. “She thought she was all that, but I was able to take her man.” If they feel inferior around you, cheating with your partner makes them feel even for a moment, they are finally superior. They cannot stand the way that you are being loved and the way that you celebrate that love. They will actively pursue your partner if that means it will destroy your happiness.  

In a bigger context, it is not just about your partner. It is about your life. They see your job, the trips you take, how people engage with you online, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, etc, and they want it. They are not just envious of your relationship; they are jealous of how you live. And if sleeping with your partner will somehow destroy any facet of your life, they will gladly do it. 

It is not about your partner, it is about you and destroying you. 

That is not friendship. That is not sisterhood.  

Real sisterhood rejoices when you win. Sisterhood delights when your friend is in love. Sisterhood doesn’t covet what your sister has. Sisterhood wants the best for you. Sisterhood celebrates when your friend has found someone that makes them happy. Sisterhood doesn’t wish for your friend’s life to the point of wanting to harm her. Sisterhood enters your life and wants to make it better. That is sisterhood. That is friendship. In a true sense that is love, because friendship is rooted in love and love does not envy.

While it is sad to say, I find this to be true more often than not, that right now you have someone in your life that you call a friend that is not your friend. This person is smiling at you, secretly coveting your life, and will do anything to have it. They are not happy about your happiness but desire to destroy it. But know that people can only wear a mask for so long. Eventually, it will slip, and when it does, you will see them for who they are. Evaluate the people that you consider a friend. Do they really celebrate your happiness? Are they giving you a pat on the back for doing a great job or looking for a soft spot to stick the knife in? Everyone is not your friend. Reduce your circle accordingly.

1 reply »

  1. I cut someone out of my life after 18 yrs! It was an over the phone relationship because I had moved out of state. Started out she was a helper. Then about 4 yrs ago things in her life changed. Found out her jangy husband was involved with another woman for a couple yrs.

    She went through a bad divorce.found out he hadn’t kept the mortgage payments up . Before all that she was taking cruises once a year. Eventually she turned on me I believe because I was in a stable relationship with a decent guy. I had been a listening ear for her, why she cried and cursed about the situation with her now no good ex. I was never one to go into my problems with her. When I did reveal something to her ( nothing to do with my partner) She came hard against me. At that point I cut her loose. She always claimed to be more than she is, ex., said she had a PhD but worked as a vendor at events. Her ex was an alcoholic who never engaged with his kids and was abusive towards her.

    Met him once but as I said, he was jangy. Now I maybe engaging in a little amateur psychology but it’s said women are attracted to men like their fathers; I believe she married him because he was like her father who she said was an alcoholic and did not provide for the family.

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