In the wake of the global pandemic that we are facing, leaders have emerged. Kentucky is fortunate to have Governor Andy Beshear leading the state providing daily briefings to keep Kentucky residents informed. Governor Beshear is quite possibly one the nicest, calmest people I have seen provide information during this pandemic. He offers a measured delivery making sure that Kentucky residents feel safe and reassured that while we are currently in a crisis, we will make it out on the other side. Each day Kentucky residents gather around the television like a warm campfire with smores waiting for Governor Beshear to remind us that we will get through this. I believe that it is his calm demeanor that has allowed Kentucky to know that we are up to the challenge of battling the coronavirus.
But you know how it goes. When someone has a calm demeanor, people can often mistake their kindness for weakness. I understand this because people tend to see me as a calm person, not knowing that I will LITERALLY kick your ass in a New York minute if you aren’t standing six feet away from me. Back the fuck up!
So I understand that Governor Beshear is trying to be patient. He is like a parent that repeatedly tells their children the same thing trying to be calm and not flip out. But there comes a moment when you step over the line from calm to fuck it. Y’all see his jacket done came off. Sleeves rolled up. He’s getting ready to tell you just how he feels!
Governor Beshear is a nice man. He is trying his best, and he is doing an excellent job. But some of yall don’t seem to get it. Some of y’all are taking Governor Beshear’s kindness for weakness. Some of yall ain’t been to a basketball court in 10 years now all of a sudden you’re Lebron James. Some of y’all ain’t been to Bernheim Forest since those giants were knee-high to a grasshopper now all of a sudden you are Dora the Fucking Explorer. Some of yall only ran to the dinner table, and now magically, everyone is conditioning for the Derby Festival Marathon.
While I know he is a calm leader, in my mind, Governor Beshear needs an Anger Translator like Luther on Key and Peele. I am volunteering for that role.
While Governor Beshear is remaining calm during his daily briefings, in my mind, he is saying, “Give me a fucking break!! What part of HEALTHY AT HOME are some of yall not understanding? Really? You wanna play fucking basketball? REALLY? In the middle of a pandemic? No one is drafting you. NO. ONE. Not one single coach. GO HOME!!
You wanna go hiking? Hiking? Your tennis shoes still have fresh tread on them, but you wanna go hiking in the middle of a damn pandemic. I ain’t buying it! Try Zumba at home on YouTube then tell me how much you like to “hike.”
Oh you wanna get your hair and your nails done? EVERYTHING IS FUCKING CLOSED! Get some Lee Press On’s and call it a day!
You wanna go out to eat? LEARN HOW TO COOK!! Join the damn Louisville Take Out Group. Didn’t I LEAVE restaurants open for curbside service, but that ain’t good enough for you, is it? Your ass just HAS TO SIT IN A DAMN RESTAURANT! NO ONE IS GONNA WAIT ON YOU DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC!!!
You wanna go to Tennessee?! Tenn-e-fucking-see?! I ain’t the Governor of Tennesee. I don’t care if they ain’t locked down. I wish them well, but if Tennesee jumped off a bridge, would you do it?!
How many more times are you gonna go to Kroger? YOU HAVE ENOUGH TOILET PAPER! Even if you had the bowels of an elephant, you do not need 100 damn rolls of toilet paper!
Didn’t I leave the liquor stores open? I didn’t HAVE to do that. Make a drink and SIT AT HOME! Lord knows I need a stiff one after dealing with telling y’all the same shit OVER AND OVER AGAIN!! Be. Healthy. At. Fucking. Home.”
And finally, Governor Beshear will be like, “Do you want Bevin back? Is that it? Do you want the lunatic back and running the state during a pandemic? I didn’t think so. But keep on testing my ass! Keep on! SIT YOUR FUCKING ASS AT HOME AND TRUST ME I DON’T GIVE A DAMN IF IT’S SUNNY OUTSIDE! YALL MAKING IT RAIN IN MY SOUL EVERY TIME YOU DON’T LISTEN TO ME!! YOU WANNA SEE A FUCKING STORM? KEEP ON TESTING MY PATIENCE! SIT. THE. FUCK. AT. HOME. Thank you. Tune in tomorrow at 5.”
Before anyone sends me ANY messages, I voted for and support Governor Andy Beshear. This blog was just a little fun. I appreciate what he is doing in the state of Kentucky, and I know his leadership will continue to guide us through this. STILL, STAY YOUR FUCKING ASS AT HOME!!