When you deal with racism day in and day out, it takes a lot to surprise you. The excuses that racists will come up with to justify their racism are fantastic. When I logged onto Twitter and watched a @sweetsky66’s TikTok I didn’t get angry at all. Admittedly, I laughed so hard when I heard this call. I do not know the caller’s name, and I am not going to call her Karen or Becky, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s just go with Marjorie. Because we ALL know a Marjorie. Marjorie is Karen on her third glass of rosé after being dehydrated because of hot yoga. Marjorie likes to go to brunches on plantations and talk about the good old days when America was great! Marjorie knows NOTHING about the legal system and injustice EXCEPT when it comes to her NOT wanting to wear a mask in Traders Joe’s, then she turns into a Supreme Court Justice citing the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and “discrimination.”
That’s Marjorie! You can practically smell the fresh scent of “I’m Gonna Call 911,” wafting from her pores.
Marjorie calls @sweetky66, a hiring manager/recruiter, to set up an interview. You know, in a pandemic that has ravaged the job market, you want to call a hiring manager and put your best foot forward. You might lead with your degree(s), credentials, outstanding work experience. But not Marjorie! Marjorie believes it’s best in 2021 to lead with racism – the ism that opens all the doors!
Marjorie states that, unfortunately, she is legally unable to work with anyone that is ethnic, minority, or excessively Black.
Mostly because she has a Caucasian, Irish, English, We Don’t Season Our Food background. And because A LOT of “the” Hispanics and “the” Blacks tend to be kind of questionable, something, something, Christopher Columbus, Native American, and because of her background of Duchess of Racist Ass Bullshit she cannot be associated with them or pimps. It’s all the same to Marjorie.
I couldn’t even be offended. I laughed and laughed hard. The lengths some White people will go to avoid just saying, “I’m racist,” is hysterical.
Marjorie’s bovine spillage aside, what made me laugh the hardest was the phrase, “Excessively Black.”
I promise ya’ll I died 10 times from laughing. What in the hell is excessively Black? Am I excessively Black?
So I got to thinking maybe excessively Black is:
- Yelling at the movie screen during a horror movie because a White person wants to check out the noise outside.
- Cornrows.
- Stopping no matter WHAT you are doing and full out twerking when you hear Cash Money Records taking over for the ’99 & the 2000.
- Being mad at Fred because he always wanted to split up during Scooby-Doo.
- Not laughing during White comedy movies.
- Doing the Cha Cha Slide.
- Having a definite date for when the Queen’s Child Project will be completed.
- Pastel Stacey Adams loafers.
- Laughing and hitting people.
- Taking off running when you see other Black people running.
- BBQing in socks and slides.
- Crip walking.
- Filing for divorce because your partner put your cast iron skillet in water.
- Putting hot sauce on your collard greens.
- Owning this pan.
- Believing your children can let all the cold air out the front door because they are going in and out.
- Eating sliced tomatoes, onions, and boiled egg with Sunday dinner.
- Durags.
- Owning this necklace in the early 90’s
- Doorknocker earrings.
- Having everything in this can but cookies.
- Randomly singing, “She’s My Queen To-oooo Be.”
- Quoting lines from the Color Purple.
- Using this container for leftover spaghetti.
- Using a Crown Royal bag for spare change.
- Extra Credit-Quoting Lines from What’s Love Got To Do With It
All of these things make Regular Black people morph like The Hulk and turn into the newest Marvel character, EXCESSIVELY BLACK.
Please know, being Excessively Black may lead to telling Karen to STFU, speaking about racism all the time, calling out racist bullshit. It may also lead to not giving a damn when confronting a racist, diarrhea of the mouth when calling a racist out, outstanding Twitter clapbacks, and dehydration from constantly drinking salty racist tears. If you feel like you are suffering from being Excessively Black, there is help. If you are experiencing symptoms of being Excessively Black, you do NOT have to suffer alone. Call 1-800-EFF-KARN for help!
In the meantime:
Excessively.