In light of the recent
typical racist bullshit incident involving Becky, Holly Hylton, calling the police on two Black men, Rashon Nelson and Donte Robinson in just 2 minutes of their arrival at Starbucks, the company has announced that it will be closing 8000 company owned stores on the afternoon of May 29, to provide racial bias training to 175,000 employees. This is to address the apparent racial profiling that happened while Nelson and Robinson were in the Starbucks waiting for a friend to discuss a business deal. Presumably, both men were waiting for their friend’s arrival before ordering, you know, like most people in the world. But because Black people seem to turn into the Incredible Hulk when doing everyday things like driving, walking, exercising, talking, jogging, eating, breathing, Holly took it upon herself to immediately call the police and put in a Code Red for Two Black Men Breathing.
The incident was caught on camera and quickly went viral leaving Starbucks no other choice than to deal with this issue. While I do not believe one afternoon of training will be effective in dealing with racism, I am not against anyone STARTING to learn about racial bias. However, that training cannot just be a few hours in the afternoon, and then we all come together sip lattes and eat cake balls. That is not how life works. Systemic racism was not designed in one day, and it will not be dismantled in one afternoon, but I am always open to anyone starting on the journey to authentic learning.
Of course, for some people, Starbucks closing its stores for one afternoon caused a complete White privilege meltdown.
I mean, why have racial bias training when so many people need a grande, venti, mocha, blah blah fucking blah? People with that attitude are precisely why not just Starbucks employees, but basically, the ENTIRE NATION needs racial bias, implicit bias, diversity, equity, just don’t be fucking racist, training. For that reason, I have decided to hold my own online training for the people that are whining about not getting a coffee in the afternoon.
The following classes will be offered:
Class 101 : Everything Isn’t About You
Class 102: Stop Call The Damn Police Because Black People Are Breathing
Class 103: How Not To Steal Black Culture
Class 104: Your Ancestors Did Some Fucked Up Shit. Own It.
Class 105: Finances. We Want Our Shit. Pay Me What You Owe Me!
Class 106: How to Stop Crying When The Reality of Racism Is Painful. Will Also Cover How to Stop Weaponizing White Tears
Class 107: How To Listen to Black People When We Speak To Avoid Half the Bullshit We Are Currently Going Through
Class 108: Lunch. The Art of Making Basic Potato Salad- Without Raisins, Cilantro or Figs
Class 109: Why Reverse Racism Isn’t “A Thing”
Class 110: How To Resist the Urge To Explain to Black People The Black Struggle. Will Also Cover Why Pulling Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps Has Challenges like Racism
Class 111: How To Stop Touching A Black Woman’s Hair will also cover Why Black Hair Should NOT Be On Your Agenda and Why Cornrows Are Not Boxer Braids
Class 112: How To Spot the Difference Between a Cellphone, Wallet, Crowbar, Gun, and Empty Hands
Class 113: Why Voting For A Racist Can Be Detrimental To Your Health will also cover How NOT To Vote Against Your Own Interests
EXTRA CREDIT CLASS: Why you CANNOT Say The N- Word.
EXTRA CREDIT CLASS: Understanding That Black Women Have A Range of Emotions Not Just Anger
Basically, DON’T BE RACIST!!! CLASS DISMISSED!